During my next period of being 'left to rot' by the NHS, and I DON'T include people like Dr's. 'Hope' and 'In Control' when I make this statement, because without them, well who knows we're I'd be, but anyway I transgress, I experienced both a pleasant 'high' and a rather terribly sad 'low', let me explain.

Firstly the high, or highs really, two of, the first high being a trip out to visit 'Radcliffe Hall', the very place me old shipmate Kev will be tying the knot with the lovely Michelle, the thing is this happens to have been the longest car journey I have made in two and a half years. This was a dry run of the trip to understand my potential state upon arrival, the drugs that would need to on hand, or at least in Jo's handbag anyway, that would help sustain me through at least several hours of activity, firstly at the ceremony then the reception. Its gonna be a toughie, but I'm determined to be there for my friend and to hopefully get the opportunity to say 'hi' to some old friends at the same time.

Secondly was a spur of the moment trip to visit my friend Jenny.

Who's Jenny? I hear you say, well apart from being a very lovely lady and a baker of the finest sponge cake to boot, Jenny is to be my 'care help' whilst Jo is away with her sister Tara in September. Jenny will be staying over night and generally filling in for Jo with the usual help I require help with, getting out of bed, showering preparing food etc. So Jenny is my new friend!

Now the low.

Basically a very sad, extremely painful few days followed. I was in the throws of feeding my extended family, our fish if you were wondering, when upon reaching our largest tank, and it had to be the largest tank you just knew it would be, I came across to my horror a tank full of dead, yep dead, fish or at the very least slowly dying fish. You see the aeration system had stopped working. Now the aeration system is just a series of air stones that when fed by an air pump create bubbles. The bubbles you see disturb the surface of the water which in turn allows the excess carbon dioxide in the water to escape, in other words my fish or at least twenty one of them suffocated, a slow painful death I'm sure you'd agree.

This situation knocked me flat, it took a couple of days looking for fish that simply weren't there anymore for the wave of my emotional pain to hit me, to be fair I think the gravity of losing so many of our precious fish still haunts me to a degree even several weeks later. Sad day!

(Below is an excerpt from my personal diary!)

"The goings been tough today, without the extra meds I really would have been in trouble!

Almost finished the big tank, partly to keep me distracted, and partly to settle the fish down, allow them to feel secure. Had to rely on Kev and Jo's help with the heavy lifting and so on, took Kev several days before he was free to pop over and lift the new piece of "Bogwood" into the tank. Obviously the plants needed to be back in the tank ASAP as well so I'm rather pleased my pain allowed me to prepare and plant them over the last couple of days!

Nice afternoon with Jo's ma and pa, was really nice to see them all though the dog aggregated the hell out of me today, due to me in large part being terribly tired and in chronic exhaustive pain.

The PC is going to take me a lot longer to sort I think, will have to reinstall windows, the drivers and software over a period of days possibly weeks, it's simply a case of getting the wireless keyboard out so I can kneel on the floor and allowing the machine to do the work.

Oh we'll takes as long as it takes we have the laptop to fall back on which really helps!

Jo bought me a rather trendy and very warm jacket today, which I'm very thankful for, I don't really have anything between my lightweight jackets and full winter coats so very lovely it was to be treated!

These letters to the past are I'm thinking, if I'm going to write them in the right way at least, very personal, sensitive and potentially upsetting not just to me but anybody I allow to read them. Not so sure I will allow anybody to read them apart from  Dr. "In Control" not even my special lady Jo. These will probably be the most sensitive literature that I have ever written, because I do mean to write them full on, flat out, heart on me sleeve style! But most importantly they will be written honestly, openly and sincerely no holds barred!"

Since being in this 'spot of bother' two of our more rudimentary flaws as human beings have very much become more apparent and consistent on a daily basis, those of 'Assumption' and 'Ignorance'. How so more than normal? I hear you say.

Well first of all when you're in my position you come to realise just how little you knew yourself about pain, stress and depression and their individual effects, let alone their potential combined effect on an individual. I truly believe that Assumption is the "mother of all %#^$ up's" and that Ignorance truly is "bliss". Only yesterday for example, the 13th of August, there was a knock at the door, which I answered as always on my knees, I opened the door to find a man representing a private 'meter' reading company, gas and electric. The first words out of his mouth were "there's no need to kneel, a simple hello would do!" followed by a big ignorant grin, now this is the second similar incident that I have experienced when answering the door, the first person to make a similar statement was actually a 'dishwasher repair man' and he to said something very similar.

In both cases I paused, then explained the reason for being on my knees was one of disability, now as you can imagine the realisation of what they had said, in both cases the result was very much the same, hit home and their embarrassment and discomfort was very plainly written across their faces.

The 'Meter' reading rep. Will, I believe, be disciplined by all accounts after Jo rang and spoke to NPower about the occurrence, to which NPower were embarrassed, apologetic and made to look very second rate in a consumers eyes. They were not happy bunnies!

27. Bleak.

So far over the course of two sessions with Dr. 'In Control', the good Dr., Has unearthed and professionally assessed my sorrow state of affairs as being akin to 'losing a son or daughter' with a pronounced  underlying current of 'Anger'. By the close of this third session we can also add 'Bleak' to that growing list of torments and demons.

We mainly discussed my first twenty years of life, childhood, school, early employment endeavours, which the good Dr., listened to as I reeled of descriptive explanations of several common topics and memories of said years.

My school years were for the most part spent being pushed around, made fun off and deliberately isolated from my peers by some outstandingly spiteful, but very 'popular' class mates. Now not to get the wrong idea not everyday was spent in constant fear or isolation but when it happened, it happened big time.

Certain individuals, who would pretend to be my friends, simply sucked me in with their honeyed words, humiliated me in any measure they could manage, then spit me out again making sure that as many people as possible were aware of my deflating humiliation by their hands. One particular school year, the whole year, I simply had no choice but to sit by myself at every turn, totally isolated by the class, because the 'popular' kids deemed it necessary. Wankers!

Perhaps the most vivid memory or shall I say missed opportunity, which plagues me constantly and seems to revel in my torment, is one involving a particularly pretty and lovely young lady.

Now before there are any raised eyebrows or thoughts of "I wonder if Jo is aware of this?" the answer is yes. Jo is completely aware of this particular event from my past and is by no means offended or upset by this continual 'nagging' of missed opportunity.

That said it constantly plays on my mind tweaking emotions, increasing my pain levels and generally making me feel rather pathetic for making such a mess of what I can only describe as a life changing opportunity for me, let me explain further.

You see this particular young lady used to shop in the co-operative that I worked in during my late teens, round about eighteen/nineteen.

I just need to state that this period of two years were the best two years of my working life, I worked within a small very tightly knit team of people of whom all were an absolute pleasure to work with and be around on a daily basis, even to this day I miss them dearly as friends and colleagues.

I digress let me continue, said young lady would come into the store two possibly three times a day, sometimes with family, mum or sisters mainly, sometimes on her own, but each time I saw her I admired her from a distance thinking "if only I could be that lucky to attract such a lovely lucking and pleasant gal!"

Well unknown to me the ONLY reason she was popping into the store on such a regular basis was not really to shop but to see me. Yep that's what I said, to see ME!

And guess what I blew it big time. Lacking confidence and self belief I just couldn't bring myself to approach her for fear of rejection and the chance of humiliation, which for me was very much the norm, one way or the other those days. If only I had had the courage and possessed the reckless abandon to approach this young lady and ask her out, because the sad thing about this is the impact I do believe that this young lady could, and would have had, and I strongly believe this, on me potentially would have been life changing.

To be seen with such a pretty gal, who seemed confident, self assured and intelligent would have changed me, turned my life around, given me confidence, self believe but most of all the thing I needed or craved the most, a companion, someone that actually liked me for me, someone who saw past the fat clumsy misfit, that was me.

What a 'train wreck' I was, still am to a lesser degree, to have missed the 'boat' for this particular voyage.

This event haunts me, saddens me, deflates me even crushes me. The mind is a wonderful muscle but the worst of enemies, an enemy that is diligent in its destructiveness and as cutting with its torment and the pain it can manifest to inflict upon you. Mine has me truly cornered and continually bombards me with signals of pain, suffering and contempt for past failures. Powerful, destructive and in control

28. Nothing but Fish Between Me Ears!

Dr. 'In Control' finished this particular session talking about my second love, fish! The good Dr., discussed with me my particular make up, what strengths do I have, what 'tools' do i have in my tool box, so to speak, what 'tools' do I lack and deem necessary/need to help me with my current situation, but more importantly with the rest of my life!

Dr. 'In Control' suggested that I think of the mind as a 'fish tank', a subject of which I o obviously relate to, and the individual strengths that I already have and feel that I need as 'fish'. Dr. 'In Control' suggested to me that my tank was, to somewhat of a degree, populated with at least three fish, a 'Pink Thinker' fish,  a strength of mine, according to the good Dr., being classed as a reflective thinker, which I find somewhat disappointing being able to digest and right your mistakes/poor choices after the event, in your own time is like "missing the boat" or "getting on the wrong train" I would much sooner be able to think quicker and smarter in the NOW than reflect upon my mistakes afterwards, also the ability to think "outside of the box", in 3D, look and tackle a problem from the outside in. Hmmm not so sure this is a particular strength, more necessity within the confines of the type of work I once did and the need for me to have to tackle problems from different perspectives.

You see with this first fish the Dr., is in part spot on due to the fact that now, having the time to reflect after the session I've come to the  conclusions that the 'Pink Tinker Fish' is more an obstacle, in part, than a strength, being able to digest and react there and then would have allowed me the opportunity to discuss Dr. 'In Controls' opinions during that particular session. I now have to revisit these areas again during another session with the good Dr.

The second type of fish the good Dr., suggested that represented a strength of mine is the 'Moral Code Fish'. I do without question agree with the good Dr., about this particular fish because it  absolutely reflects my need to do the right thing in any given situation, it reflects my strong sense of "Right and Wrong", but being thoroughly moral at every turn does indeed mean that very rarely do I benefit or achieve but rather lay the foundations for others to benefit. Crap really, wish I could be and have been more amoral through life to benefit me and mine, as opposed to others.

Is this second fish a strength or a weakness? Answers on a post card please!

The third fish Dr., 'In Control' suggested to me was that of  the "Creative Words" fish, having the ability to express myself  through words either written or spoken, no doubt  a strength of mine due in no small part to this very blog which I hope has been of some benefit to some people. My personal Journal also, which is often represented within this blog.

 29. "Spit It Out. It's Better Out Than In!"

Sadness, clueless, rather pathetic, terribly unwell, isolated, complete contempt, and chronic, all consuming pain. My mind, my body at play, day after day exhaustive and relentless in its erosion of me, mind body and soul.

My thoughts are constantly harassed by the past and unable to see any possible future light, sometimes a little lift followed by a crushing fall back down to earth where pain consumes me. That's a typical 'day in the life' of ME! How does my day compare to yours I wonder?

30. Cowboy Catfish!

It's now Friday the 14th of September 2012.    2.5 years or 30 months, if you prefer, since my present predicament 'tripped me up' so to speak, crushed me, spun my life upside down, along with that of my family's, and released my innermost demons to run rampage through my psyche slowly eroding away my thinly failed sanity.

Reads like a movie script to most people I would imagine but believe me when I say this, from experience mind you, that it's the factually lived truth written by a morally leaden and desperately pained forty two year old nobody.

You see my pain at its absolute best, is incredible obstinate, it unyieldingly sticks to its task and just when I start to think "maybe, just maybe I'm starting to push on towards an improved level of control or a slightly improved walking experience (with crutches/sticks), like the proverbial house of cards tumbling down my pain "digs it's heals in and says 'ay up where you off to? Not likely me bucko!' and down I go, potentially for days at a time. But I digress, my apologies.

This being my fourth visit to see Dr. 'In Control', truth be told I actually went on the 7th of this month, I had given my 'new fish tank' or my 'Self Love tank', long periods of thought between the two sessions, with regards to potential 'fish' I needed to introduce, or at least felt strongly enough were missing from my makeup, my personality, layers of ME!  layers of my mind, the same layers that everyone possess, the psychological pack of playing cards that we all get dealt from to create us as individuals. In all complete honesty I can say from experience that I didn't get dealt the 'self esteem' card or the 'confidence' card, as examples, neither did I get dealt the 'it's that obvious, it gonna smack you in the face' card, which I think you would agree would have been mighty helpful at least once in my life twenty years ago.

So here I go with my initial thoughts on fish (cards), my very own "Mojo Minnow", confidence in other words, belief in myself and my abilities, belief that I can push on and regain some resemblance of a life with or without pain, belief in my ability to manage my pain day to day and the necessary realistic optimism that has to be my fulcrum, my centre if you would prefer.

"Panic less Plecos", calm positive, and controlled thinking as opposed to dumb struck uncertainty when presented with a problematic situation. It's one thing to be reflective in your thinking, because you always come out on top AFTER the fact, but there's nothing like being able to think on your feet, even to a lesser degree, to face adversity. There's a very true and proactive saying about 'tackling your demons head on to overcome your fear of them', but in my opinion I think it would be more advantageous and a big confidence booster not to say helpful and more beneficial to tackle ANY of life's  demons with a 'big bloody gun!', a fully 'loaded' and 'cocked' mind if you will.

The last of my fish for the time being is the "Cowboy Catfish". To be able to 'cowboy up' when the going gets tough, be thick skinned when necessary, bullet proof my sensitive side, because this is one playing card I really could have done with being dealt, many times over these past years. Of course I have the ideal armour to help with bullet proofing at the moment it's called PAIN! I could use my pain to shield myself from such psychological knocks, now if I could only fully harness and control my pain as a shield I do think it would be impenetrable and provide me with a very specific kind of armour plating.

We also spoke about my first twenty years of life again and the impact that my crumbled confidence and self esteem had on those years, the big choices that presented themselves and my frightened self loathed unconfident approach to making my choices when they came along, the clueless insecure method I used at all times, fade into the background and hope somebody tells me what to do and how to do it, if that didn't work then just fade into the background and hope the choice, the correct choice for me would just happen, which obviously never really worked out for me.

(Below is an excerpt from my personal diary!)

"Bloody awful day today, for me and Jo both me thinks. Seems like Jo could be sickening for something apart from being tired and a little fraught with work, thing is cause I care my emotions just pile on the pain, which is obviously part of the problem, for me and I find like today and the past several weeks really my pain is very high and concentrated at the moment.

Level 8 today, exhaustive, quite brutal, and consuming, I have had no escape from my pain at all in 30 months now! Thirty months, I don't really know how I keep going, pain just erodes away at me day by day, and the more the people around me who I have feelings for are in turmoil, emotionally stressed the more I seem to suffer. 

Buggered really! Don't think there's anyway back for me now, from the pain that is, my fluidity of movement has and is improving but I still have to be conscious of how much I do. And I don't really do a lot in all honesty.

My past is still nagging away at me, picking me apart psychologically and I just can't shake my past fuck ups at all at the moment. I hope my 'letter' writing will help 'park' these thoughts or at least give me some release from them. Bloody stiffed me self over the years due to my considerate nature and for what? For other people's benefit that's what, I've always been a work horse and now it's finally caught up with me, having the "just fucking do it!" kind of attitude towards any and all endeavours at work especially has really, to be frankly honest, broken me, physically and allowed my psyche to break free and run amok!

Or am I just dreaming? Maybe I'll wake up from this! Hmm.

I did manage, and I suppose you could call it a major achievement, to attend Kev and the lovely Michelle's wedding. I managed roughly four hours out and about until my pain levels got the best of me.

Beautiful, best describes Michelle that day, absolutely beautiful, and me 'old mucker' scrubs up well to, looked very smart he did, and as for my special lady well what can I say Jo looked lovely, beautiful found myself thinking what a very lucky man I am to have Jo as my wife, confidant, soul mate, very lucky!

It proved to be a very emotional event for me to, not only feeling the pride of seeing to very special people marry, I don't mind saying I shed a tear or two, but my oldest and closest friends were all there, and just to point out that I hadn't seen any of them in round about fourteen years, I was rather taken aback by their individual welcomes, especially Kev's mum, Gill, auntie Carol and cousins Sue and Phil, simply made me realise just how much these people meant to me, and still do, and how much I had missed them all."